When I spent my first few weeks overseas, doing missions trips, tours or whatever, I always wondered what it would be like to be there for more than two weeks. Vacations and missions trips are great, but only a fool thinks its like that all the time. What is it really like to be there everyday, day in and day out? When your daily comforts and familiarities finally pass away? The places you went to escape and be refreshed are gone. What will it be like when the honeymoon is over?
I always loved to hear the story from missionaries about when the honeymoon was over for them. It varies from person to person, for most it is a few months but rarely more than a year. It comes when all the newness wears off, where the place you now live no longer has its "new car smell". I knew one couple who said their honeymoon was over the day they landed in Istanbul. I have wondered when that day would come for Cassie and I, and it is finally here.
We (our leadership team for the church plant) have all been talking recently about how the transition has been more difficult than we anticipated. So this evening, my lovely and always honest wife began with how she is feeling and struggling with the transition. The anxiety of a new job, the discomfort with having to find time to "be downtown" for the ministry, and the desire to just come home at the end of the day. She confessed she was a little depressed. I breathed a sigh of relief for she had named what I was feeling, depressed. They don't write about this in church planting, missionary, or entrepreneurial books. There is no chapter for the realization that you are not home. There is no chapter on the feeling of depression in the early stages.
I thought I would make my next post about San Jose but I said to my wife after our meeting, "We can't begin to love San Jose, until we are done grieving Denver." We caught ourselves complaining about this valley after a great weekend in Santa Cruz, sailing, eating, drinking, and being extremely impressed by Vintage Faith Church. I loved everything about Denver and I try not to talk about it too much. I had numerous awesome ministries to look to. I had more friends and family than I could keep up with. I was busy and I knew what the weather was going to be like. Now, I am having a hard time finding work and wondering when I might need to resort to a entirely new line of work. The few friends I have are very new and I am still getting to know them. The city feels small and the weather is deceptive. It is perfect during the day and quite chilly at night. I don't know where the good restaurants are. I have to use the GPS to get anywhere. There are a million bikes lanes and I don't know where to ride. What's worse, In-And-Out is as great as when I first arrived. The honeymoon is over barely a month into our time here.
But all is not lost for those in the Lord. As I prayed to end our evening I think the Spirit spoke to me with my own words. We will make friends, and we will find our favorite spots and we will have work that we enjoy. Ultimately what matters is that we are living out of his grace. I think the Spirit reminded me that he is satisfied with us and we need not worry about all that we are doing, to rest in his grace. I was encouraged by our common fellowship together, Letitia, Cassie, Jason and I. As we all transition from the honeymoon to life together in, for, and with San Jose.
I am reminded of Lamentations, written by the prophet Jeremiah as Israel was removed from their homeland to Babylon. I think on a small level we feel a common sense of loss, leaving Denver for San Jose. Jeremiah wept for his former city as they were sent into exile. In Lamentations 3, he cries out that God had caused him much pain and sorrow as a result. I love his honesty which is not often seen. The truth is God is causing much of our pain and sorrow now too. We are experiencing it because we choose to follow him. We have left our Jerusalem for our Babylon and so we are grieving our forming city as we learn to love our new one. In the midst of Jeremiah's angst, of listing the woes God had cast upon him, he writes these comforting words which I now understand more fully,
Lamentations 3:21-32
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope.
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."
The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him;
let him put his mouth in the dust - there may yet be hope;
let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.
For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
